what you learn about the

*** inspired by lydia davis' what you learn about the baby

What You Learn About (The) Depression

depression and your sleep

you will lose all power necessary to wake up and all natural ability to go to sleep. countless nights will be spent, tired as tired can be but you will remain completely unable to sink deep enough into your pillow to fall into a blissful unconscious sleep. at some point, you will finally be so tired that your eyes droop and don't reopen as you drift off but only into a shallow sleep, like on a hot day when all you want to do is swim but your only option is a lukewarm kiddy pool. morning will come and, just like every morning, there’s a 250 pound weight on top of your body in place of the blankets. getting up becomes the hardest feat you have to accomplish. you find yourself needing the strength of an olympic athlete just to swing your legs off the bed and stand up. suddenly, you can fall asleep quickly. Into a deep one that allows you to sleep through all your back up alarms.

depression and disassociation

things stop connecting. the “why”, or the glue, of things begins to disappear until everything is just flying loosely around. this manifests itself as the feeling of watching yourself living a life that seems devoid of a purpose from outside of your body. your actions don’t click. you wake up so you can go to school. you go to school so you can get a degree. you get a degree so you can get a good job. you eat healthy and workout so you can take care of your body for years to come. you be social to make friends. you make friends to surround yourself with good people. you do all that you do to live in and enjoy the moment and also to plan for your future. you wake up for? you go to school why? you need a degree for what? you eat apples instead of cake and go to the gym instead of sit on the couch for? you have to plan for years to come? there are years to come? you enjoy this moment because? you go out and be social for? the reasons become unknown. you just watch yourself doing things not knowing why you're doing it. it gets just as confusing as it does disheartening.

depression and taking out the trash

give yourself props for even the littlest of tasks. you did it. try to wash the dishes.

depression and your hygiene  

taking care of yourself is hard. you will find the most basic things to be the most demanding of tasks. you won’t remember when the last time you washed your hair was. try not to be so hard on yourself. you will have not showered for days and feel so disgusting yet still not do anything about it until the next day. getting out of bed to brush your teeth at night or cleaning your space become time consuming obstacles. it’s still the easier of your daily struggles.

depression and your responsibilities

you become easily overwhelmed. if you have more than three things on your to do list, no matter how minuscule and easy to cross off, you panic. just having things to do stresses you out. at the same time, you dread finishing everything. when you have nothing to do, you crave something to fill your time. your days require a set structure because only then will you be productive. the monotonous routine of your day makes you feel even less motivated. and you’re stressed the whole time. 

depression and your hobbies

the fire in you has been put out. you are a snake eating itself. on one hand, you want to go out and find new and revisit old passions. you want to find something to practice, to pursue and to give purpose to your life. you remember when you had extracurriculars that you really enjoyed. you long for being more than what you are. but the other hand holds the other. your motivation is drained. you want to want to do something. you want to learn new things and put time and effort into something but you just can’t. it’s quite sad.

depression and your relationships

you begin to feel like a burden. your sadness weighs you down you fear that is what you will project. you isolate yourself. this doesn’t always mean spend too much time alone. you isolate yourself also by putting on a mask. depression makes you a great actor. there comes times when you just don’t want to get out of bed that day or there’s just too many texts to respond to anyone. you question your friendships. you question your authenticity. put in the effort. reach out.

depression and cleaning your room

your room becomes a reflection of your brain. the messier you feel, the more cluttered your space becomes. clothes pile up, laundry goes undone and your bed loses some of its comfort. when the chaos begins to choke you, you feel as if you can’t do anything until it is gone. only then do you clean and only then do you feel a sliver of sanity return.

depression and your food

to eat or not to eat. some days, the really bad ones, you want to eat your feelings. the days spent in bed watching netflix are also spent in a constant state of snacking. days in which your to do list is full and your day is planned, you have no desire to touch a bite of food. you become one of two people once you enter a depressive cycle: you either lose an alarming amount of weight or begin to slowly gain it.

depression and your family

you do all you do for them. your rocks.