a work of fiction

just a day -

habits are hard to break. with her supplies laid out in front of her, she began the routine she knew too well. it became a sort of meditation for her. flick the lighter and hold for three, turning the green to black. take a deep inhale through the mouth, hold it in and then try to inhale some more. all this followed by a forceful exhale through the mouth, full of apparitions and illusions. she then consulted the array of objects in front of her; transferring another sticky nug from the pungent jar to the grinder and then putting the resulting product of that into her bowl. this was how Mona always started her days. it was usually how they ended and also how they continued.

today wasn’t anything different, in this way and in others. it was because of the fact that nothing was ever different that she indulged in the habits that she did, regardless of how unhealthy they were. life for Mona was monotonous. every new week was just a repeat of the last, constantly going through the same motions with only slight alterations. she believed that anyone who didn’t feel this way about life was either rich or gullible.

only rich people get to choose to do something different and only gullible people believe they have the ability to make actual choices that matter. from the second you are born, your life is already planned. this doesn’t mean by your parents who, in the minds of teenagers, often seem like they control every way your life goes. it is simply just planned by generations of pattern and established systems that you get forced into and then force your kids into. you go to school from ages 3 through 21, sometimes longer if you choose to go to graduate school. in elementary through high school, you are all taught basically the exact same things, all on a surface level understanding. in college, you get your first illusion of real choice: you get to pick your major. this causes the slight variations in paths people take, even though there is still a limited amount of options.

regardless of those 4 years and any other ones spent in school after, everyone goes on to sell the best years of their life to a capitalistic society. you spend all your time working, only to live for the weekend. on these weekends, you get more illusions of choice as you get to decide how you spend your time. however, every option here is just another variation of consumerism, whether it be consuming things you can touch or just consuming mindless matter such as television.

this is how Mona’s brain worked. she was constantly thinking and analyzing the things that people are meant to just accept at face value. it blended in with her self reflection. she was also just too stubborn to do things just because someone told her to. she liked to understand things and just know the why of it all. a lot of things, once thought through, didn’t make sense to her. the things that didn’t sit right with her the most were the school system (standardized testing and all), bipartisan political parties, and the way money ruled everything.

the money idea got to her especially. after paying for the necessary things, she had so little money for everything else that something as simple as a pastry felt like a luxury item. a part of her wished she had been born into money so that she never knew what the struggle was like. a bigger part of her liked the fact that she grew up the way she did because it instilled values in her that people who live comfortably just don’t quite understand. but to her, money was happiness because while she couldn’t know what goes on behind closed doors in the lives of rich people, she knew money would alleviate almost all sources of her external suffering.

so Mona had smoked her morning bowl and was about to start her usual routine. i say morning because it happened when Mona first woke up and started her day but in reality it was early afternoon. she could have slept longer and farther into the day as this was one of the many superpowers she gained through depression but external forces got her out of the dream world she so much preferred. her bedroom always betrayed her in this way. her room was small, only with enough space for her queen bed and IKEA dresser. of the four walled room, two walls were half taken up by big windows. another fraction of one of the walls with windows also had a door that led to the outside. the door was also made up of small, square glass panes surrounded by a wood trim. It was an old house, inland enough from the coast that the sun beat down forcefully.

all these factors led to Mona’s room absorbing and holding in heat, getting too hot to ignore, waking her from sleep to turn on the fan or close her door that she often slept with open to let in the cool night air. after the heat woke her, it was basically impossible to go back to sleep. granted, by the time it got that hot, it was late enough in the day that Mona should have already been awake and functional and shouldn't even be thinking about going back to sleep. but for people with depression who view life as monotonous, this usually wasn’t the case.

it was sunday. after Mona was sufficiently high and all her supplies put away, she found herself in front of her mirror. it was there that she stopped and just stared, taking stock of some of her the physical attributes. she did this often as she felt a disconnect between how people perceived her versus how she saw herself, only because she couldn’t see herself at all times in the same way all the people around her could. so, she liked to take breaks and refresh herself on what others get to view with ease. she had her brown skin, the shade and smoothness of a deep caramel. she had her hair, growing back from when she cut it all off a year ago. right now, it was braided and looked like a crowd of caterpillars having a meeting on her head. she was 5’8” but her arms and legs looked as lanky as someone much taller. her hands were dainty, same as her facial features. her small nose, eyes and mouth rested symmetrically on her round, yet defined face. her waistline was small, along with her breasts and butt. Placed next to her mom, one could conclude that this body type was genetic and not the result of exercise (which Mona rarely did).

by the time she finished with this examination of self and she was ready to be somewhat productive, it was already 3:22pm. but that was okay, because she believed that sundays were meant to be slow for the sake of remaining sane. mona often felt as if she would implode from insanity. this plight of intense insanity was caused by this unavoidable feeling that life was passing her by and going over the speed limit. this feeling usually lasted from monday through friday, started to ease away on saturday, until finally waking up sunday morning and feeling okay. only for this to all repeat with the inevitable coming of monday.

it was this cycle that made her crazy. if one felt pulled in every direction every day of the week except for one, where does that leave time for enjoying life and living in the moment. at 20, one shouldn’t feel weighed down by life. you should be able to feel free to learn what you like and learn who you are. but that’s how Mona felt.

back when she was younger, when time was slow, she loved reading, writing and taking pictures on the family camera or on disposable film ones. her mom always told Mona that when she was three, she taught herself how to read off to the side while she was teaching her sister. she devoured books and with that came an immaculate way with words. in highschool, her photography developed more as she got herself a professional camera and took classes but the reading and writing took a sort of backseat to academics as time started to speed up a little. at the time, she thought it was too fast but still was able to make time for things she enjoyed. now in college, with even less time moving by at supersonic speeds, she didn’t do much of any of it. by the time she was done with all her obligations that involved deadlines, her brain was to mushy to try to focus on anything.

it made her feel crazy. being 20 and not enjoying it seemed like a crime of immense consequences. she wanted to feel like she was doing more than just filling time. she wished she wasn’t so easily overwhelmed by life. or that small tasks didn’t take a lot out of her. or that she could find it easier to just go through the motions and stop trying so hard to find meaning in things only to be discouraged. nonetheless, until fairy godmothers prove themselves to be in existence, all she had for now were her slow sundays.

on this particular sunday, Mona went to paradise. this destination being named such as it was her oasis, her favorite spot in san diego and also because it was in the name of the location you would pull up on google maps to get there. the place itself was called Paradise Point. it’s a resort and spa on the beach that attracts a lot of tourists. among all the jumble, was a secret hideout. on the right side of the resort is this long stretch of beach where the tourists become outnumbered by the san diego locals who all come out to barbecue and ride their jet skis (that they own, not rent. because they live there) or take out their sailboats (that they own, not rent. because they live there). this was always packed as was the resort pool. however, if you ventured over to the left side of the resort, you would find a almost abandoned looking stretch of beach.

the waves were always small there, making the water perfect for relief on a hot day. the expanse of beach naturally curved and the resort rooms along the beach curved with it. in one area, there were big white chairs out by fire pits for people to enjoy at night. the only other inhabitants of this beach were the resort guests who were rich enough to stay on the rooms that were right by the sand and the other locals who knew about it (which weren’t many). when Mona would take people there, their first reaction would be to wonder if it was a private beach. it wasn’t. it was just the one spot in san diego where Mona could come and be peaceful by the water, away from the crowds that came with living in a tourist hotspot. water always had a way of making her feel grounded and secure.

it was there on her blanket with a bag full of snacks that she took the time to write in her journal. this was the one thing she made time for as she felt that the only thing she was in full control of was her capacity for growth and self improvement. she also felt that the only way to control this was through journaling. Mona often wondered why it was that writing things out and putting things into words always helped more than just thinking things over but then again, why do people do anything over something else. Mona had faith that no matter how stagnant or regressed she may feel, to take the time to reflect and process was the first step towards becoming the person she wanted to be and working towards the progress she wanted to make. it is a superpower to be able to identify areas that you need work on or celebrate areas in which you’ve seen growth or see where you may have gone backwards and need to start being mindful again. this particular superpower requires practice.

the topic weighing most heavy on Mona’s mind today was her own mind. there were times when her depression would kind of dull out. it would sit in the back of her head, not fully on vacation but more like procrastinating at work. it would still show up everyday but decide that it didn’t want to do it’s job. instead, it would do the bare minimum and just be there in the background, recognizable but less consuming.

now wasn’t one of those times. instead, it was like those other times when her depression was being closely watched by its boss or working overtime for a holiday bonus. these times, obviously, affected her the most. she didn't like who she was with it. it made her feel numb and disconnected or lazy and weighed down. usually it was both and more.

in today’s journal entry, she wrote about what she imagined it would be like to be able to extract the essence of depression from her brain. comics and stuff always portray it as a black cloud above a person's head but she pictured it as a huge pile of junk mail. it cluttered her brain and was useless. she wanted to set it on fire. all of it. maybe then she could feel something, even if it was just the immense heat radiating off of the remnants of who she used to be. or still is because it’s just a fantasy after all. she knew this thought process was just another way to express distaste and discomfort with her current situation and did nothing to actually change the problem at all. this invisible problem. she didn’t want to be depressed anymore. she didn’t want her biggest enemy to be some chemical imbalance within herself. that was just pathetic.

on that note, Mona took a break from journaling because her hand started to hurt and her thoughts were becoming too negative and full of self loathing. she put aside her notebook, laid down on her blanket and sparked up a joint she had waiting for this exact moment. with every inhale, she felt herself sinking lower and lower into the sand. momentarily, she forgot about the week in front of her and was only thinking about the water. she hadn’t planned on swimming but the water just looked too inviting and she convinced herself that the sun was too warm. Mona got up from her blanket, started to walk towards her car, hesitated because she started second guessing leaving all her stuff out, told herself that it would all be fine for a couple minutes, and then continued walking towards the parking lot.

she got to her car, grabbed her emergency bathing suit from the trunk and changed into it in the backseat. once back at her blanket, she grabbed a bag of takis from her bag of snacks and started slowly walking into the water. still in the shallows, Mona sat down and started munching on her takis. for some reason she was very mindful of where the water touching her ended at the midway point in between her belly button and breasts and how the mini waves made very little difference. from there, her mind started to wander and she found herself thinking about her ex boyfriend.

the relationship had ended 6 months ago but they had dated for a little over 2 years so it was a lot to try and forget. everytime in conversation when she would think of anecdotes that related back to the topic of discussion, they always involved him. she couldn’t just say her opinion on the san diego botanical garden without remembering he took her there as a surprise date on their 6 month anniversary. she couldn’t tell someone the hilarious story about the time she had the cops called on her because he was there. every memory she could recall from the last two years of her life included him. she spent this time in the water zoned out, eating takis, recalling memories and thinking about how weird the concept of dating was.

like any naive person entering their first relationship, Mona convinced herself that her boyfriend was the one she was going to be with forever. she pictured a future with him and also got extremely comfortable with him in the present. during this time, she had no problem with the idea of dating. once it was all over and her heart had been broken, she didn’t understand it. she just couldn’t get why people fell in love and dedicate such a big part of their life to someone only to become strangers again and then repeat the process with someone else over and over again.

to constantly go through the emotional labor of getting close to someone and then constantly go through the emotional labor of putting yourself back together when it’s over seems very irrational. the fact that her ex boyfriend was her “ex” didn’t even sit right with her when she would think of all they had been through and how much she had known about him. it didn’t make sense to not be on speaking terms with someone who cried on your shoulder at their most vulnerable state.

to Mona, the idea of having multiple ex boyfriends was just too insane. following that belief came her insane declaration that her next boyfriend would be her last as she would only allow herself to get close to The One. this insane declaration came with the insane idea that she would know who The One was upon meeting them.

she was brought back to the present by the gorgeous pink color the sky had turned. the sunset always had a way of reminding Mona of just how much beauty the world around her holds and also how insignificant the things she does are in the grand scheme of the universe. the sun will set regardless. and with the sun goes the heat. she realized just how cold she was and made her way out of the water. she dried off, threw on an oversized hoodie and sat there in awe of the sky. she couldn’t remember ever seeing two identical sunsets and for that she was jealous. of the sun? the sky? She didn’t know exactly but of whatever it was that was responsible for change and difference, she was envious.

once the colors faded to darkness, she packed up all her things and returned to her car. she wasn’t quite ready to go home but it was time to leave her paradise. she contemplated what to do over a quick bowl in her car and finally decided on treating herself to a nice meal. this wasn’t just the munchies; it was a tradition of Mona’s to treat herself out to lunch or dinner on days where she needed to treat herself with a little more self love. there was still a lot of thoughts running through her head so she chose to eat at a 24 hour cafe near her house so that she could journal some more, eat an amazing sandwich and then quickly get back home to binge watch some tv. And that’s exactly what she did.

after watching what she decided was enough Parks and Rec for the night and one last bong-aided mediation, Mona let herself try to fall asleep. this process started with turning off all electronics and thinking about what she was going to wear the next day so she could sleep a little longer and ended with her mind continuing to race as it does constantly followed by the inevitable drift off into blissful temporary unconsciousness. that was it. nothing significant happened. it was just a day.