give me space

I like open windows, fresh air, and loud music. I don't like when people like to talk in the car. I’ll nap in your presence because smoking weed makes me tired and being around the people I love makes me comfortable. I constantly blurt out what’s on my mind, not for the sake of conversation, but because I want to feel normal in my thoughts. I don’t speak up for myself even when I should, because conflict isn’t worth it and I value my time. I have no scores to settle and I have nothing to prove. I don’t know how to stay committed, not to others but to myself. I’m good at preaching and I’m practicing my practicing. I don’t know how to put myself first. 

I like to eat large quantities of snacks that make me thirsty so that the water I gulp down is extra refreshing. I like making the mundane feel special because I am too burnt out to be driven. I have a habit of clinging onto temporary things and avoiding the future. I like practicing mindfulness in the sun because focusing on the warmth on my skin is the only thing that reminds me that I am here and that I am breathing. I can only meditate to the sound and smell of the ocean. Big bodies of water make me feel grounded and my parents named me accordingly.

I like people who make me feel things because no one ever does. I think about my friends more often than I call them because even though I talk a lot, I know when enough is enough. I live my life for others because I don’t know who I am or what I want. I feel a disconnect between what I look like and how I am perceived. I don’t know if I or if anyone can see me how I am intended to be seen. I’m fascinated with faces. I’m overly observant. I like letting my thoughts go unwritten and unremembered because sometimes it’s not that deep. My days pass me by. I hate people who lack spatial awareness. 

I take pictures because remembering can be just as nice as living. I struggle with staying present. I am right here. My old habits get in the way of the ones I am trying to form. I don’t know how to fully let go. I’m beginning to think that our purpose on this planet is as simply as subjective as our personal goals. I feel trapped. I find it impossible to talk to people; no one ever teaches you how  to hold a conversation. 

I used to be vulnerable but now I can’t empathize with intimacy. I am no longer soft. I like making art because creativity doesn’t require socially constructed logic. I hate how man-made everything is. I plan on escaping. I don’ t believe time can be right or wrong because every second has the same potential as the one before and the one after. You live life and it just happens, don't wait for it. I need to figure it out. 

Give me space.